Postcards from the wall #20

Here's another postcard from my study wall:

I am the pastor of this Baptist church

Following on from my re-working of the 'Modern Major General' song a few weeks ago, my friend Rosa Hunt has composed this:












Captain/Pastor.
I am the Captain of the Pinafore!
I am the pastor of this Baptist church

Chorus/Choir.
And a right good captain, too!
And a right good pastor too!

Captain/Pastor.
We're very, very good,
My sermons are quite good
And be it understood,
But be it understood
I command a right good crew.
You should not act as I do.

Chorus/Choir.
We're very, very good,
Her sermons are quite good
And be it understood,
But be it understood
He commands a right good crew.
We should not act as she do.

Captain/Pastor.
Though related to a peer,
For my words are insincere
I can hand, reef, and steer,
I can simper, I can sneer
And ship a salvagee;
And snub a refugee
I am never known to quail
I am never known to cry
At the fury of a gale,
When one of you should die
And I'm never, never sick at sea!
And I never wash the mugs up after tea!

Chorus/Choir.
What, never?
What, never?

Captain/Pastor.
No, never!
No never!

Chorus/Choir.
What, never?
What, never?

Captain/Pastor.
Well – Hardly ever!
Well – Hardly ever

Chorus/Choir.
He's hardly ever sick at sea!
She hardly ever washes up with me!
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
Then – give three cheers and a chorus line
For the hardy Captain of the Pinafore!
For the worthy pastor in the pulpit fine,
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
Yes, give three cheers and a chorus line
For the Captain of the Pinafore!
For the pastor in the pulpit fine!

Captain/Pastor.
You're exceedingly polite,
You’re a very moderate crew
And I think it only right
And it really would not do
To return the compliment.
To encourage you to pray.
Bad language or abuse,
Theology and thinking
I never, never use,
Are for those whose boat is sinking
Whatever the emergency;
Platitudes the order of my day!
Though "bother it" I may
Though my phrases are fine-sounding
Occasionally say,
And my doxologies resounding,
I never use a big, big D
I never read the big big B.

Chorus/Choir.
What, never?
What, never?

Captain/Pastor.
No, never!
No, never!

Chorus/Choir.
What, never?
What never?

Captain/Pastor.
Well – hardly ever!
Well – hardly ever

Chorus/Choir.
Hardly ever swears a big, big D...
Hardly ever reads the big big B…
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
Then give three cheers and a chorus line
For the well-bred Captain of the Pinafore!
For the worthy pastor in the pulpit fine,
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
Yes, give three cheers and a chorus line
For the Captain of the Pinafore!
For the pastor in the pulpit fine!

Rosa Hunt

When searching for the image to use, I also came across this post, which for G&S Theology fans is worth a look:  “We are the Model of Today’s Episcopalian”

Regent's Reviews

The latest issue of Regent's Reviews is now out, and can be downloaded from here.

Congratulations to Andy for another excellent and fascinating edition.

My own contribution is three reviews on the following books:

J. Ramsey Michaels, The Gospel of John. The New International Commentary on
the New Testament (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2010).

Ben Witherington III, Revelation and The End Times: Unravelling God’s Message
of Hope (Nashville: Abingdon Press/Alban , 2010).

Christopher Morse, The Difference Heaven Makes: Rehearing the Gospel as News
(London: T&T Clark, 2010).

A class of theologians

A video taken by Polly of me playing the Rowan Atkinson schoolmaster for a class of theologians (script below).



And here's the original:



Right. Quiet.
Ambrose. Basil. Barth. Calvin. Dogma.
Eschaton Major. Eschaton Minor. Flacius. Gnostic.
Hermeneutic. Jerome. Kerygma.
Latitudinarian. Millennium.
Niebuhr R. Niebuhr H.R.

Come on, settle down.
Pericope. Saint. Schism.
Tao. Tao?
Underhill. Zwingli. Absent

All right, your essays.

Discuss the contention that Bathsheba had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck. Oxford and Cambridge Board O Level paper, 1976.

Don't fidget, Barth.

The answer: yes.

Jerome, Niebuhr R., Schism and Underhill see me afterwards.
Most of you of course didn't write nearly enough.
Eschaton Major, your answer was unreadable.

Put it away, Pericope! If I see it once more this period, Pericope, I shall have to tweak you. Do you have a solicitor, Pericope? You're lying, so I shall tweak you anyway. See me afterwards to be tweaked. Yes, isn't life tragic! Don't sulk, boy. Has matron seen those boils? Horrid little twerp.

Barth, Eschaton Major, Gnostic, Kerygma: plagiarism.

Calvin: answer upside down. Do you do it deliberately, Calvin? You're a moron. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity.

Don't snigger, Jerome! It's not funny. Second Samuel is not a funny book. If God had meant it to be funny, he would have put a joke in it. There is no joke in Second Samuel, you'd know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Jerome? Pest!

What book of the Bible does have a joke in it? Anyone? The book of Leviticus! It’s full of them. It’s not that funny, Barth

Basil? BASIL! Leave Ambrose alone! What a lot.

Right, for the rest of this period you will write about Metempschosis. Underhill, just try and write Metempsychoss. Usual conditions, no conferring, no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib, if possible. You may use dividers, but not on each other.

Millennium, you're in charge. For now...

I Am The Very Model Of A Liberal Millennial

I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I am the very model of a liberal millennial
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've information biblical and not at all heretical
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
I know the kings of Judah, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
From Midian to Jericho, in ordering canonical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters systematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
I understand Aquinas, and his Summa Theological
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news
About the fate of evil ones I find I always must enthuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the sharing of the Lord's good news

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the sharing of the Lord's good news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the sharing of the Lord's good news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotepotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the sharing of the Lord's the Lord's good news


I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
I'm very good at integrating different theologies
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
I know the proofs from reason in Tertullian's apologies
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
In short, in matters biblical and not at all heretical
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I am the very model of a liberal millennial

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
In short, in matters biblical and not at all heretical
He is the very model of a modern Major-General
He is the very model of a liberal millennial

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
I know our mythic history, King David's and Metheuselah's
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
I answer hard agnostics, and can disprove what Confucius says
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of the Herodians
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous
In doctrine I can floor peculiarities Pelagian

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I can tell undoubting Protestants from Gerald Coates to John Hagee
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes
I know those wretched choruses and ditties from the seventies
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
I find I cannot help but sing whatever Graham Kendrick says
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the tunes from that infernal songbook Mission Praise

And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the tunes from that infernal songbook Mission Praise
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the tunes from that infernal songbook Mission Praise
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinapinafore
And whistle all the tunes from that infernal songbook Mission Mission Praise

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
Then I can write a thesis now in Babylonic cuneform
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
And tell you ev’ry detail of the Canaanitic land reform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
In short, in matters biblical and not at all heretical
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I am the very model of a liberal millennial

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
In short, in matters biblical and not at all heretical
He is the very model of a modern Major-General
He is the very model of a liberal millennial


For my next project:
The Doctrine of the Trinity as 'Three little maids from school are we'

The Unforgiveable Sin

OK here’s the rant, and I should warn you, it’s been a long time coming...

About five years ago, the powers that be in the road transport industry became convinced that in the name of safety it would be in all our interests to replace the corrugated metal crash barriers which run down the centre of our motorways. These tried and tested barricades, with built in ‘give’ to absorb the impact of a crash, were, it seemed, passé. So they replaced them for a while with what those of us who ride motorbikes (a Honda VFR750F if you’re interested) call ‘human cheese wire’. Eventually, they saw the error of their ways and started to remove the wire, to replace it with a more functional alternative: our motorways are now divided by state-of-the-art barriers which I call ‘concrete walls’. You’ve probably noticed this. I still can’t work out how careering into a concrete wall at 70+mph is a safer bet than a carefully engineered crash barrier, but there you go, you can’t argue with progress. However, that is not the object of my rant. It is merely the starting point for the sequence of actions which led to my discovery, this morning, of a physical manifestation of the Unforgiveable Sin.

I live in Bristol and work in Cardiff. It is a journey of 36 miles, and should take me 36 minutes door-to-door. A very acceptable commute, I feel. It’s motorway almost all the way, and I like driving. No problems. I do blanche slightly at having to pay every day to use the Second Severn Crossing. It was £3.70 when I started this journey on a regular basis in 2004, and it’s now £5.70. I can’t see that it’s £2 per day better, but you can’t argue with progress. On the subject of paying to use motorways, though, if I might digress for a moment... a) what is my road tax for if not to pay for the roads I use? and b) if I do have to pay to use a road, I really really really really expect that the act of paying for it should not make the experience of using it worse. If I pay for something that should by rights be free at the point of use, I want a better experience and not a worse one. If I were to choose not to have my operation with the NHS, and to go to a BUPA hospital instead (I wouldn’t, that that’s beside the point), I would expect that the BUPA experience would exceed that of the NHS one, not the opposite. So, to motorways. On the whole (this morning excepted, but I’m coming to that), motorways allow me to travel at 70mph, uninterrupted, and efficiently. It’s a great idea: a long, straight road, with lanes for the slow people, and lanes for me and my speed-loving compatriots. No roundabouts, no T-junctions, no in-built obstacles. All for free (or at least, paid for by my road tax). But then we get to the Second Severn Crossing, or the Dartford Crossing, both of which I use regularly. At this point I have to pay extra. So what do I get for my money? Can I travel at 100mph on this bit of road? No I flipping well can’t! What I get is a long queue whilst I wait to give them my money. It’s outrageous. There should be a law passed which states that if the queue to pay to use the road exceeds a waiting time of, oh I don’t know, 30 seconds, the barriers should be opened until the queue has dissipated. Necessity is the mother of invention, and I’m fairly sure they’d quickly find a way of billing me without making me wait for the privilege. They can fine me if I exceed 50mph in an average speed camera zone, and that happens when I speed up. So surely there’s a way of billing me to use the road which doesn’t require me to slow down, stop, wait in a queue, and then hand over cash or wait for the machine to read my Tag?

Anyway, to the M4. The process of replacing crash barriers with concrete walls has been rolling out across the UK with relative ease. A few weeks of roadworks, warnings of ‘possible delays until November’ (that long?) and hey presto, you’ve got a nice unforgiving concrete wall to hit. However, not so on the stretch of the M4 to the north of Newport. There, about four years ago, they put in 15 miles of ‘average speed cameras’ (could they not afford good ones?), limiting us all to 50mph. They removed the old corrugated metal barriers, and employed a couple of guys to begin the process of building the new concrete wall one pebble at a time. Mile after mile of restricted speed, but with no obvious sign of work taking place for 95% of that length. About a year ago, they realised that there was no discernable progress being made, and so instituted overnight M4 closures north of Cardiff, between 8pm and 6am. I frequently travel home after 8pm, and now have to use the SDR (Southern Distributor Road) round the south side of Newport. OK. As long as they’re making progress. But are they? After a year of overnight closures, coupled with years of speed restriction, still, very little is happening.

Part of the ‘improvements’ (building concrete walls, filling in pot-holes, re-painting the white lines) has involved the installation of incredibly sophisticated advanced traffic management warning systems. Or, as I call them, ‘large dot matrix screens’. It’s not a bad idea. If there’s a problem, they can use the screen to let me know, and I can take a decision to go another way. So, this morning, at 7.00am, I’m travelling along the M4, and all is well with the world. The dot matrix screens are blank. Suddenly, I hit the back of a queue. All stop. What? There must have been a terrible accident, I thought. How dreadful. A rush-hour fatal accident in the tunnels perhaps? It’s happened before. I put on the local radio, and waited for a traffic report. And when one came, I received my insight into the Unforgiveable Sin.

Apparently, the overnight roadworks had ‘overrun’. What??? Scheduled, planned roadworks, that have been ongoing for years, overrun to the extent that the entire M4 has to be closed in the morning rush-hour. This simply should never happen. There is no excuse. I, and thousands and thousands of other motorists sat in a queue for an hour, waiting to filter down to the hard shoulder to get round the ‘overrun’ roadworks. Vast amounts of money were lost this morning to the economy of South Wales due to the late arrival at work of thousands of commuters. Why? Because the roadworks had ‘overrun’. So I queued, and queued, and queued. Eventually, like grain of sand in the egg-timer of the M4, I reached the ‘overrun’ roadworks. As I drew level with the blockage, I expected to find a motorway full of highway engineers, all working frantically to resolve the problem caused by their nocturnal incompetence. But no. The entire motorway was coned off, but there was not a lorry, not a digger, not a road roller or concrete mixer to be seen; in fact there was no sign of any work being undertaken whatsoever. Simply two guys, wearing yellow jackets, wandering around where the fast lane, my lane, ought to be; pondering whether to remove the cones and open the motorway. This is the Unforgiveable Sin.

Questions of Identity

I've been part of a conspiracy recently...

A book has been in production to honour Brian Haymes, and yesterday was the day when some of us who have contributed chapters made our way to Manchester to surprise Brian with a formal presentation.

He was preaching at his home church in Didsbury, and emerged from the vestry to be confronted with several rows of family and friends who had come for the occasion. One he had got over the shock, and realised that he had not in fact gatecrashed his own funeral, Ruth Gouldbourne and Alan Kreider offered some words of appreciation for Brian's ministry and friendship, and then presented him with a copy of the book. Anthony Cross also spoke as co-editor of the volume with Ruth, and Sean Winter sent a video message.

Brian then recovered sufficiently to preach on the first two chapters of Jonah, reminding us that there is nowhere we can go to escape the presence of God. He also said that Jonah was in his top three amusing biblical books, which left me wondering what the other two are...? (Leviticus?) It was a privilege to receive his ministry once again, and I am reminded why it is that I frequently tell people that he is the greatest Baptist preacher I have ever heard.

Here is the cover of the book (click to enlarge):

Here is the blurb:

Throughout the Baptist tradition issues of Baptist identity are being explored and widely debated. The Rev. Dr Brain Haymes is the former Principal of Northern and Bristol Baptist Colleges, and President of the Baptist Union of Great Britain. He has lectured widely and influenced many contemporary discussions of Baptist life and thought in Britain and further afield. He has been a great encourager of both established and younger scholars and ministers, and this collection of essays takes up themes in his many and various writings. Not only is it fitting to honour one of our leading Baptist pastor-scholars, but also to explore issues of widespread importance to Baptists in the early twenty-first century.


Contributors are: Faith Bowers, John E. Colwell, Anthony R. Cross, Paul S. Fiddes, Barry Harvey, Stephen R. Holmes, Ruth Gouldbourne, Alan Kreider, Robert Parkinson, Michael J. Quicke, Christopher Rowland, Sean F. Winter, Simon Woodman, and Nigel G. Wright.


Commendations:
‘Brian Haymes’ ministry epitomises the very best of the tradition of the scholar-pastor, moving easily between the worlds of seminary and pastorate. Here an international team of authors in articles, both searching and relevant, pay tribute to a man who has himself done so much to enrich our understanding of Baptist identity, here explored in splendid diversity.’
John H.Y. Briggs is Professor Emeritus, the University of Birmingham, and Research Professor, the International Baptist Theological Seminary, Prague


‘These essays provide a rich combination of scholarly and pastoral insight, a most appropriate tribute to a Baptist whose long ministry has testified to the dual importance of rigorous academic study allied to the actual practice of ministry. But they are also immensely worth reading in their own right as examples of lively engagement with biblical, historical and theological issues stimulated by our current questions of religious identity.’
Keith W. Clements is a writer, and former Tutor at Bristol Baptist College, Co-ordinating Secretary for International Affairs, Council of Churches for Britain and Ireland, and General Secretary of the Conference of European Churches


‘This Festschrift honours a much treasured scholar, Baptist minister and personal friend, Brian Haymes. Its chapters explore many of the passions that have shaped his distinguished ministries as preacher, pastor and theological educator. They properly reflect the richness of Brian’s contribution to Baptist and wider ecumenical life, and are themselves good examples of the scholarship to which he has been so deeply committed.’
Richard L. Kidd is Co-Principal of the Northern Baptist Learning Community in Manchester


‘Baptists around the world have been fortunate to call Brian Haymes their teacher and friend. Now some of them are honouring him by giving a gift to all Baptists. These essays will inspire and instruct Baptists, and extend Brian’s work in the process. They reflect those subjects that have animated his thought and work: scripture and its interpretation; sacramentality; proclamation; morality; education; Anabaptism; and conscience. In so doing, they offer a winsome picture of Baptist identity, issuing a call to live Christian life at full stretch, growing as persons and communities into the fullness of Christ.’
Philip E. Thompson is Professor of Systematic Theology and Christian Heritage, Sioux Falls Seminary, Sioux Falls, South Dakota

And finally, here is the abstract for my own chapter:

Turn or Burn!
A Nonviolent Reading of Fire and Burning in the Book of Revelation

From Richard Baxter and Charles Spurgeon to contemporary fundamentalist preachers, the book of Revelation has been a fruitful resource for those seeking to espouse a ‘turn or burn’ theology. From its imagery of heavenly fire which consumes the nations of the earth, to the fire and sulphur which torment those who worship the beast, Revelation can seem to depict an unambiguously fiery end to those who will not turn to God. The question addressed in this paper concerns whether such a reading is the only way of encountering this imagery, or whether an alternative reading emerges when the text is approached from the perspective of a nonviolent hermeneutic. To this end, the tradition of Anabaptist nonviolence will be utilised as a hermeneutical key to engage the imagery of fire and burning in the book of Revelation.

The Plainly Revealed Word of God?

The Plainly Revealed Word of God?
Baptist Hermeneutics in Theory and Practice
Helen Dare and Simon Woodman

A twenty-first-century discussion of the nature of Baptist Hermeneutics

In January 2009, an international group of Baptist theologians met in Cardiff, UK, for a colloquium to explore the theory and practice of Baptist hermeneutics. Drawing primarily from the British Baptist community, the group’s work was enhanced by insights from participants from the USA and Eastern Europe.
Participants brought a diversity of scholarly and pastoral interests to the colloquium, and through presentation and discussion explored together the nature of Baptist hermeneutics.

The resulting volume addresses five core thematic areas. The first section surveys the way in which Baptists have engaged with the Bible both in their early history and more recent past. Section two analyzes some specific examples of Baptist hermeneutics in practice, while the third section turns attention to an exploration of theoretical approaches to the hermeneutical task in Baptist contexts. The problem of how to negotiate interpretative difference within Baptist reading communities is addressed in the fourth section. Finally, concluding responses to the project from two non-Baptist theologians challenge both contributors and readers to consider the wider implications of the volume for contemporary Baptist life.

Check out the Amazon page here.

Postcards from the wall #19

Here's another postcard from my study wall:

Radio 2 - Pause for Thought

 
This is my Pause for Thought from today's Nikki Bedi programme on Radio 2. 


Reproduced with kind permission from the BBC.




Recently, I went to see The Sound of Music at the theatre, with the wonderful Connie Fisher playing the part of Maria, and to my slight surprise had one of the best evenings out in a long time!

aving grown up watching the film on TV every Christmas, I found that I knew all the words, to all the songs, even though I hadn’t seen it for years. The strong tunes of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s musical score stayed with me for days, and I kept finding myself whistling ‘The Lonely Goatherd’ or ‘Do-Re-Mi’ at inappropriate moments. And as for Edelweiss, Edelweiss, so good they named it twice, well, what can I say?!

One of my friends asked me if I was going to go in costume, and although the temptation was strong to dress up as an army officer, or even as a nun, my sense of dignity got the better of me on this occasion.

One of the slightly strange things about the evening was the fact that some of the audience were carrying small brown paper packages tied up with strings, but all became clear when they gave them to those sitting near them during the song ‘My Favourite Things’.

Which brings me to boxing day – the day when traditionally people gave Christmas Boxes to tradesmen, to thank them for all they had done during the year. And I wonder which, if any, of the gifts we’ve received this year we are going to really treasure, and which we might already be planning to give away next year, or to return to the shop unopened?

Is there a gift we have received this year that will be, in years to come, one of our ‘favourite things’. I’m not just thinking about the gifts we opened yesterday, but the gifts we’ve received throughout the year: gifts of love, hope, new life, and forgiveness.

In the Bible, Jesus says: “I am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.” (Jn 14.27) And I wonder, this boxing day, if there is any greater gift than this? “peace of mind and heart.”