Saturday, 16 April 2011

A class of theologians

A video taken by Polly of me playing the Rowan Atkinson schoolmaster for a class of theologians (script below).

And here's the original:

Right. Quiet.
Ambrose. Basil. Barth. Calvin. Dogma.
Eschaton Major. Eschaton Minor. Flacius. Gnostic.
Hermeneutic. Jerome. Kerygma.
Latitudinarian. Millennium.
Niebuhr R. Niebuhr H.R.

Come on, settle down.
Pericope. Saint. Schism.
Tao. Tao?
Underhill. Zwingli. Absent

All right, your essays.

Discuss the contention that Bathsheba had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck. Oxford and Cambridge Board O Level paper, 1976.

Don't fidget, Barth.

The answer: yes.

Jerome, Niebuhr R., Schism and Underhill see me afterwards.
Most of you of course didn't write nearly enough.
Eschaton Major, your answer was unreadable.

Put it away, Pericope! If I see it once more this period, Pericope, I shall have to tweak you. Do you have a solicitor, Pericope? You're lying, so I shall tweak you anyway. See me afterwards to be tweaked. Yes, isn't life tragic! Don't sulk, boy. Has matron seen those boils? Horrid little twerp.

Barth, Eschaton Major, Gnostic, Kerygma: plagiarism.

Calvin: answer upside down. Do you do it deliberately, Calvin? You're a moron. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity.

Don't snigger, Jerome! It's not funny. Second Samuel is not a funny book. If God had meant it to be funny, he would have put a joke in it. There is no joke in Second Samuel, you'd know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Jerome? Pest!

What book of the Bible does have a joke in it? Anyone? The book of Leviticus! It’s full of them. It’s not that funny, Barth

Basil? BASIL! Leave Ambrose alone! What a lot.

Right, for the rest of this period you will write about Metempschosis. Underhill, just try and write Metempsychoss. Usual conditions, no conferring, no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib, if possible. You may use dividers, but not on each other.

Millennium, you're in charge. For now...

1 comment:

Polly said...

Ah, it was genius. Just a shame the recording quality wasn't up to much. I thought Karen and Pete where going to pass out laughing! :D