Baptist Bookworm: Thinking About Sex and Marriage as Christians

Opening a Christian Conversation

From time to time, questions surface in the life of the church that we would rather leave unspoken.

Sex outside marriage is one of them.

Often the conversation is framed as though the answer is already obvious, settled long ago, and beyond discussion. And yet, the lived realities of our congregations tell a different story.

People love, commit, desire, fail, begin again, and seek to follow Jesus in circumstances far more complex than the moral templates many of us inherited.

This post is not an attempt to announce a new rule. It is rather an invitation to think together, prayerfully and honestly, about what a Christian sexual ethic is actually for.

What are we trying to protect?

When Scripture addresses sexual behaviour, it is striking how often the concern is not sexual activity itself, but harm.

The sexual laws of Leviticus 18 and 20 are framed around boundaries that protect kinship structures, prevent abuse within households, and resist practices associated with domination and idolatry. They function less as abstract moral principles and more as safeguards for communal life.

The prophets repeatedly link sexual wrongdoing with injustice and exploitation. Hosea exposes sexual practices bound up with economic oppression and religious infidelity. Ezekiel places sexual abuse alongside extortion, bribery, and violence.

Sexual sin is never treated in isolation from social sin.

In the New Testament, the term most often translated as “sexual immorality” is porneia. In passages such as 1 Corinthians 5 and 6, it is closely associated with prostitution, exploitation, and the misuse of bodies within unequal power relations. Paul’s concern is not simply that sex is happening outside marriage, but that bodies are being treated as commodities rather than as members of Christ.

What we do not find is a sustained biblical discussion of consensual sexual relationships between unmarried adults who are not violating another household or exploiting another person. That silence does not resolve the question, but it should make us cautious about assuming that Scripture’s primary concern is marital status itself.

Marriage as gift, not boundary fence

Marriage matters deeply in Scripture, but it does not appear in a single, uniform form.

The Old Testament narrates a range of marital arrangements, often without endorsement and without disguising their complexity. Jacob’s household, for example, is marked by rivalry, pain, and injustice, particularly towards women. The text is honest about the cost of such arrangements rather than presenting them as ideals. David’s marriages are intertwined with political power and moral failure, most starkly in the story of Bathsheba.

The ethical problem here is not simply sexual activity, but the abuse of power and the silencing of the vulnerable.

In the New Testament, Jesus speaks positively of marriage, yet he never commands it. In Matthew 19, his concern is with faithfulness and with protecting those most at risk of being discarded. Marriage is honoured, but not absolutised.

If marriage itself shifts across Scripture, then it cannot function as a timeless moral boundary in quite the way it is sometimes made to do.

A relational rather than legal ethic

Paul’s ethical reasoning consistently prioritises relational impact over legal status. In 1 Corinthians 7, he resists imposing a single relational norm on the whole community. Marriage, singleness, and sexual restraint are all treated as vocations to be discerned rather than rules to be enforced.

His repeated concern is for the good of the other and the building up of the community. In Romans 13, Paul reduces the law to love of neighbour. In Galatians 5, ethical life is framed not as obedience to a code but as walking by the Spirit, with love, patience, kindness, and self-control as the marks of faithfulness.

These texts do not give us a checklist, they give us criteria. A Christian sexual ethic shaped by these concerns will ask not only what is permitted, but what is life-giving, truthful, and responsible in particular relationships.

Bodies, grace, and the life of faith

Paul’s theology of the body is often read narrowly, but it is also profoundly affirming. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul insists that bodies matter because they belong to God. This claim is made precisely in a context where bodies are being used and discarded. His response is not shame but dignity. The incarnation itself affirms that God meets us in bodily life.

Jesus eats, touches, forms deep relationships, and refuses to treat bodies as morally suspect by default. The Gospels present him as concerned not with bodily proximity, but with how people are treated.

If bodies are sites of divine concern, then sexual ethics must be about honouring bodies rather than simply regulating them.

Singleness and the limits of our imagination

Paul’s affirmation of singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 disrupts the assumption that marriage is the default or superior state.

The early Christian movement included households, friendships, celibate lives, and forms of belonging that do not fit neatly into a single relational model.

What bound them together was not conformity to one pattern, but participation in the life of Christ.

This should caution us against assuming that sexual maturity, moral seriousness, or faithful discipleship depend entirely on marital status.

A necessary pastoral word on safeguarding

Any Christian conversation about sex must begin and end with the protection of the vulnerable.

Consent is not simply verbal agreement. It is shaped by power, age, dependency, mental health, economic security, immigration status, and spiritual authority. Relationships that appear consensual may still be coercive or damaging.

The church must be clear that no theological openness ever excuses manipulation, pressure, secrecy, or harm. Safeguarding is not a limit on love. It is one of its most concrete expressions.

Opening the conversation

None of this is offered as a final answer. Scripture does not give us a simple yes or no to every contemporary question. What it offers instead is a sustained concern for love, justice, faithfulness, and care for the vulnerable.

Perhaps the question we need to ask is not, “Does this relationship fit our inherited categories?” But, “Does it reflect love of neighbour, truthfulness, and responsibility?”

If Christian ethics are about learning to live faithfully in the presence of God and one another, then this is a conversation worth having.

Carefully.

Humbly.

Together.

Biblical Texts for Further Reflection

The following passages are referenced or implied above.

Creation and embodiment